My brother, my only sibling, was born when I was eleven years old. I'll never forget being taken out to a fancy restaurant to be told The News. And I nearly lost my fancy-schmancy supper because I couldn't believe that My Parents were having a baby. A baby! Was the Apocalypse upon us, because, as a fifth grader with no other siblings, the thought hadn't entered my head in years. But there they were, telling me, and I had to "take like a man."
I spent a lot of my childhood "taking it like a man."
I don't think I've ever quite forgiven myself for my raging sibling jealousy. Oooooh, how I Hated that baby! How I hated my parents for allowing his conception! How I hated their excitement, their giggles, their delight. I Did Not Want this Baby, and that was that. And hatred and rage boiled inside me, carefully hidden from everyone else. I, of course, appeared to be just Thrilled to have another child Take My Place and Be Loved More Than Me. (The one time I ever became upset about this in front of my mother, she became so upset with me that I never let it happen again.) I was just So Mad.
Then a funny thing happened. My brother almost didn't get born. He came six weeks early, and the birth had so many complications, we weren't sure he was going to make it. But he did. And then he came home. And I fell in love. I fell in love with his sweet kissable face, his chubby legs, his blond girls, his radiant smile. And I could not hate him anymore, not as I rocked him to sleep or held him while he cried. Not when I picked him up and swung him around and made up songs just for him. He was, and is, My Baby, and no one can take that away.
That was 12 years ago. A lot of things have happened in that length of time. The craziness of our family has taken a toll on him, and he is now an adolescent, somewhat angry, somewhat cynical, very hurt. He rarely smiles anymore. It makes my heart ache to see him, to see what he has to live with, to see the way he shoots himself in the foot. He reminds me so much of myself at 12 and a half years old, only he doesn't even have a little baby to love. That I think was part of my saving grace. But, I remind myself, we are Survivors. I was a survivor, and he will be one too. Only six more years, and he will be out of this house, out and free and able to be who he truly is. We are strong, and we can make it. I hope he will let me help him.
I love you, my darling little brother, and I always will. Let's survive together!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Sunday, December 24, 2006
101
Seriously, we're not even commenting on my posting infrequency. But here's a "101," just to be cool like everybody else.
1. I wish I blogged regularly.
2. I am in a doctoral psychology program.
3. #2 pretty much makes #1 impossible.
4. In my psychology program, I am getting a PsyD. (Doctorate of Psychology) rather than a PhD.
5. I am insecure about this.
6. The smell of oranges makes me nasceous.
7. So does the smell of coca-cola.
8. My favorite book is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.
9. I first read it when I was just turned 13.
10. I've been in love with it ever since.
11. I am Horrible at keeping up with friends I do not see frequently.
12. I feel very guilty about this.
13. I Love coffee yogurt.
14. I love coffee.
15. My favorite colors are purple and green.
16. I would never, ever want a room decorated in purple.
17. I do not wear pants when I sleep, only undies and a shirt.
18. I hate it when I share a room with someone and thus have to wear pants.
19. I have backpacked through the Rocky Mountians in Colorado twice.
20. The first time I was anorexic.
21. I have been both anorexic and a binge eater.
22. I have never been bulimic, thank God.
23. I can trace the disordered eating in my family back through five generations of women.
24. I'm hoping my kids will be free of this.
25. I spent the second semester of my sophomore year of college studying abroad in Rome.
26. It's one of the best things I ever did.
27. I desperately wish I could live there again.
28. I also really want to live in England.
29. I don't think either of those things are going to happen.
30. I really love history.
31. One of my proudest moments was when I received the "Gold Medal" for history my junior year in high school.
32. I also had a huge crush on my history teacher at that time.
33. I am the least musical person in my family.
34. I am obsessed with the Holocaust.
35. I am always looking for new books about it.
36. Someday I hope to figure out why I am so obsessed with the holocaust, and genocide in general.
37. I think Middle Eastern men are hot.
38. I would love to visit the Middle East, but I'm not all that interested in the "Holy Land."
39. Don't tell that to my mother, she'd freak.
40. When I was in high school, I was flashed once by some greasy guy outside a cloth store.
41. Don't tell that to my mother, either.
42. I am very anti-abortion.
43. I am very anti-death penalty.
44. I am not Catholic.
45. Sometimes I wish I was.
46. I was blonde when I was a little girl.
47. Now I am most decidedly brunette.
48. My only sibling was born when I was eleven years old.
49. I can still close my eyes and feel the weight of carrying him in my hands like I picked him up five minutes ago.
50. I wish we were closer now.
51. I have wanted to go to Greece ever since I did a project on it in sixth grade.
52. For the project, I dressed up in a chiton, the outfit ancient Greek women wore. I thought I was super sexy. But I obviously didn't tell anyone that.
53. My ancestors owned slaves on a plantation.
54. I feel like I should somehow make restitution for that, but I'm not sure how.
55. I also really love the South, but feel guilty for all it represents.
56. I have never dyed my hair.
57. I secretly wish to have a nose ring.
58. I love dogs.
59. No, seriously people, I Love dogs. Like, almost pathologically. (Still trying to figure that one out, too.)
60. When I was little, I had a best friend with the same name as me.
61. Now she lives in Florida and I haven't talked to her in years. I wonder about her sometimes.
62. I had another close friend in college with the same name.
63. I do not have a common name.
64. I want to have five children.
65. I often worry I won't be able to have any.
66. I am convinced I am going to die of Alzheimer's.
67. Seeing my grandma die of it convinced me it is Not a good way to go.
68. I'm pretty sure my grandpa cheated on my grandma while she was dying.
69. I hate sandwiches.
70. I love squash.
71. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mountain climber and I chemist when I grew up.
72. Now, I am afraid of heights and in high school, I hated chemistry with a passion.
73. I used to have dreams where I showed up places with no clothes on all the time. It was awful!
74. I still have weird dreams, but usually I am fully clothed.
75. I am very cynical about politicians and politics in general.
76. I do not claim any particular political party, and may not even vote in the next election.
77. This feels quite blasphemous to me, considering my patriotic upbringing.
78. You couldn't pay me any amount of money to teach school, at least not above kindergarten or below the univeristy level.
79. People who manage to be good teachers utterly amaze me.
80. I am very suspiscious of police officers in real life.
81. However, I love watching them on CSI and Law and Order.
82. I Love the movies - seriously, take me to the movies, and I'm happy. Espescially independent films.
83. And not horror.
84. My mother labeled my first radio with the two stations I was allowed to listen to: classical and Christian.
85. My mother and I have still not discussed my disobeidiance of listening to 'secular' music when I began driving.
86. I am 23 years old and I have only been to one New Years party in my whole life.
87. I have never been drunk.
88. This year, I hope to remedy the former, but keep the latter.
89. I am also very suspiscious of milatry personel and do not always have very good oppinions of them. I feel very guilty about this.
90. While men in uniforms are attractive, I would not want to marry one.
91. Peonies are my favorite flower, but I almost never get them.
92. Actually, I almost never get flowers at all; I certainly can't afford them.
93. One year my best friend got me flowers, along with something else, for my birthday. I think that was the best birthday present I ever got.
94. She also gave me a perfume bottle she painted herself. She was a wonderful best friend.
95. I think she's in med school now. I haven't talked to her in a year and a half.
96. I feel very guilty about that too.
97. I do not really want to be famous or write books.
98. I do want to be a good therapist who helps her clients.
99. I cannot think of a greater honor or privilege than that.
100. I also want to be a good mother and grandmother.
101. I want to die happy.
1. I wish I blogged regularly.
2. I am in a doctoral psychology program.
3. #2 pretty much makes #1 impossible.
4. In my psychology program, I am getting a PsyD. (Doctorate of Psychology) rather than a PhD.
5. I am insecure about this.
6. The smell of oranges makes me nasceous.
7. So does the smell of coca-cola.
8. My favorite book is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.
9. I first read it when I was just turned 13.
10. I've been in love with it ever since.
11. I am Horrible at keeping up with friends I do not see frequently.
12. I feel very guilty about this.
13. I Love coffee yogurt.
14. I love coffee.
15. My favorite colors are purple and green.
16. I would never, ever want a room decorated in purple.
17. I do not wear pants when I sleep, only undies and a shirt.
18. I hate it when I share a room with someone and thus have to wear pants.
19. I have backpacked through the Rocky Mountians in Colorado twice.
20. The first time I was anorexic.
21. I have been both anorexic and a binge eater.
22. I have never been bulimic, thank God.
23. I can trace the disordered eating in my family back through five generations of women.
24. I'm hoping my kids will be free of this.
25. I spent the second semester of my sophomore year of college studying abroad in Rome.
26. It's one of the best things I ever did.
27. I desperately wish I could live there again.
28. I also really want to live in England.
29. I don't think either of those things are going to happen.
30. I really love history.
31. One of my proudest moments was when I received the "Gold Medal" for history my junior year in high school.
32. I also had a huge crush on my history teacher at that time.
33. I am the least musical person in my family.
34. I am obsessed with the Holocaust.
35. I am always looking for new books about it.
36. Someday I hope to figure out why I am so obsessed with the holocaust, and genocide in general.
37. I think Middle Eastern men are hot.
38. I would love to visit the Middle East, but I'm not all that interested in the "Holy Land."
39. Don't tell that to my mother, she'd freak.
40. When I was in high school, I was flashed once by some greasy guy outside a cloth store.
41. Don't tell that to my mother, either.
42. I am very anti-abortion.
43. I am very anti-death penalty.
44. I am not Catholic.
45. Sometimes I wish I was.
46. I was blonde when I was a little girl.
47. Now I am most decidedly brunette.
48. My only sibling was born when I was eleven years old.
49. I can still close my eyes and feel the weight of carrying him in my hands like I picked him up five minutes ago.
50. I wish we were closer now.
51. I have wanted to go to Greece ever since I did a project on it in sixth grade.
52. For the project, I dressed up in a chiton, the outfit ancient Greek women wore. I thought I was super sexy. But I obviously didn't tell anyone that.
53. My ancestors owned slaves on a plantation.
54. I feel like I should somehow make restitution for that, but I'm not sure how.
55. I also really love the South, but feel guilty for all it represents.
56. I have never dyed my hair.
57. I secretly wish to have a nose ring.
58. I love dogs.
59. No, seriously people, I Love dogs. Like, almost pathologically. (Still trying to figure that one out, too.)
60. When I was little, I had a best friend with the same name as me.
61. Now she lives in Florida and I haven't talked to her in years. I wonder about her sometimes.
62. I had another close friend in college with the same name.
63. I do not have a common name.
64. I want to have five children.
65. I often worry I won't be able to have any.
66. I am convinced I am going to die of Alzheimer's.
67. Seeing my grandma die of it convinced me it is Not a good way to go.
68. I'm pretty sure my grandpa cheated on my grandma while she was dying.
69. I hate sandwiches.
70. I love squash.
71. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mountain climber and I chemist when I grew up.
72. Now, I am afraid of heights and in high school, I hated chemistry with a passion.
73. I used to have dreams where I showed up places with no clothes on all the time. It was awful!
74. I still have weird dreams, but usually I am fully clothed.
75. I am very cynical about politicians and politics in general.
76. I do not claim any particular political party, and may not even vote in the next election.
77. This feels quite blasphemous to me, considering my patriotic upbringing.
78. You couldn't pay me any amount of money to teach school, at least not above kindergarten or below the univeristy level.
79. People who manage to be good teachers utterly amaze me.
80. I am very suspiscious of police officers in real life.
81. However, I love watching them on CSI and Law and Order.
82. I Love the movies - seriously, take me to the movies, and I'm happy. Espescially independent films.
83. And not horror.
84. My mother labeled my first radio with the two stations I was allowed to listen to: classical and Christian.
85. My mother and I have still not discussed my disobeidiance of listening to 'secular' music when I began driving.
86. I am 23 years old and I have only been to one New Years party in my whole life.
87. I have never been drunk.
88. This year, I hope to remedy the former, but keep the latter.
89. I am also very suspiscious of milatry personel and do not always have very good oppinions of them. I feel very guilty about this.
90. While men in uniforms are attractive, I would not want to marry one.
91. Peonies are my favorite flower, but I almost never get them.
92. Actually, I almost never get flowers at all; I certainly can't afford them.
93. One year my best friend got me flowers, along with something else, for my birthday. I think that was the best birthday present I ever got.
94. She also gave me a perfume bottle she painted herself. She was a wonderful best friend.
95. I think she's in med school now. I haven't talked to her in a year and a half.
96. I feel very guilty about that too.
97. I do not really want to be famous or write books.
98. I do want to be a good therapist who helps her clients.
99. I cannot think of a greater honor or privilege than that.
100. I also want to be a good mother and grandmother.
101. I want to die happy.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
A Good Time and a Brief Beef
Today was my church's Fiftieth Anniversary, and we had a fantastic celebration. The day began with a Ceremonious High Mass (i.e. really fancy church service), using the same liturgy and Bible readings that were used for the first Sunday service 50 years ago. A parishoner even wrote a whole new set of service music for the occasion! Then, in the afternoon was a carnival for the kids, as well as singing, dancing, and karate demonstrations (our pastor wrote his own Christian karate curriculum - woah, alliteration - so karate is v. important). Then, in the evening we had a spaghetti dinner, a silent auction, and a live auction.
I guess there's nothing particularly remarkable in the events - typical church-picnic-style activities. But, as with anything else, it is the People and their faithfulness that made today wonderful. And, I have to say this for the people of my church, they have Joy. - I think that was something that was very often missing from my church growing up. Oh, we were faithful, allright, faithful, and dutiful, and rigid, and almost dead. There was rarely joy or life in our giving. - But today, the wine flowed, and the babies cooed, and everyone laughed as our (slightly tipsy?) auctioneer/parishoner and his wife paraded around the auction items, giving their all to make today a success. I love the spontaneous laughter, the hilarious comments, the warm embrace of Community that I recieve when I'm there.
Happy Birthday, Blessed Sacrament!
(ok, now the beef:
So, there's this couple that's newly engaged at church. Oh how nice for them! We're all very happy, I'm sure. However, oh dear God, can you please STOP KISSING EACH OTHER IN CHURCH???? Ok, granted, I might just be a prude. But this ain't no peck on the cheek, people. This is a long, drawn out, smuckering smooch two feet from my face. ummm, ick. Because, seriously, can we not get creative? Can we not employ the strategies that other young couples have discovered throughout the millenia? - The touch on the cheek, the caress of the hair, the air kiss, or even holding hands! (Ok, here's where I might be a prude: holding hands in front of me in public kind of makes me uncomfortable too. Like, not some people walking down the street or anything, but if we're trying to have a conversation and you're holding hands and making eyes at your significant other - no thanks!) For gosh sakes, go make out in the car if you have to, but don't make out at the table with all of us sitting around, while the speaker is talking! Because that's just wrong. - Please, oh, please, may they get married soon, so that hopefully this will be taken care of in the bedroom, and Not in the pew.)
I guess there's nothing particularly remarkable in the events - typical church-picnic-style activities. But, as with anything else, it is the People and their faithfulness that made today wonderful. And, I have to say this for the people of my church, they have Joy. - I think that was something that was very often missing from my church growing up. Oh, we were faithful, allright, faithful, and dutiful, and rigid, and almost dead. There was rarely joy or life in our giving. - But today, the wine flowed, and the babies cooed, and everyone laughed as our (slightly tipsy?) auctioneer/parishoner and his wife paraded around the auction items, giving their all to make today a success. I love the spontaneous laughter, the hilarious comments, the warm embrace of Community that I recieve when I'm there.
Happy Birthday, Blessed Sacrament!
(ok, now the beef:
So, there's this couple that's newly engaged at church. Oh how nice for them! We're all very happy, I'm sure. However, oh dear God, can you please STOP KISSING EACH OTHER IN CHURCH???? Ok, granted, I might just be a prude. But this ain't no peck on the cheek, people. This is a long, drawn out, smuckering smooch two feet from my face. ummm, ick. Because, seriously, can we not get creative? Can we not employ the strategies that other young couples have discovered throughout the millenia? - The touch on the cheek, the caress of the hair, the air kiss, or even holding hands! (Ok, here's where I might be a prude: holding hands in front of me in public kind of makes me uncomfortable too. Like, not some people walking down the street or anything, but if we're trying to have a conversation and you're holding hands and making eyes at your significant other - no thanks!) For gosh sakes, go make out in the car if you have to, but don't make out at the table with all of us sitting around, while the speaker is talking! Because that's just wrong. - Please, oh, please, may they get married soon, so that hopefully this will be taken care of in the bedroom, and Not in the pew.)
Monday, September 25, 2006
Saints Go Marching In
This summer I worked as a volunteer social worker for disaster victims in Southeast Louisiana. And, lemme tell you, if I wasn't already a fan N'awlins before, I surely love it now.
In my volunteer work, I met all different kinds of people, many walks, but one road 'through the waters' when Katrina hit. These were the people who starved in the Superdome, who left the bodies of their loved ones' by the side of the road. These were the ones who told stories of hanging on to the roofs of their houses, cycling their babies through their laps as the water came ever-upward, because they had to hold on to the roof with one hand, and the child with the other, and thus couldn't hold on to all their children at once. These were the people of the 9th Ward, of St Bernard parish, whose lives were literally obliterated. These were the people who Survived, even in the midst of so much chaos and death. As I said, I met many people, both good and bad. But the overwhelming impression I had from them was Dignity. These people had lost everything, and yet in their pain-etched faces I could see that they were trying to go on, one step at a time.
So, when I heard the beneift concert by U2 and Greenday on the radio today, it brought back all my memories of these people's suffering, and all of my hopes for their continued hoping. U2 and Greenday opened the first Saints game back in the Superdome, and they adapted some of their own songs to the situation, and it was beautiful. (Specifically, if you go here you can buy the mp3 of the performance, proceeds of which to go buy musical equipment for New Olreans schools.) Most beautiful of all was the song, Beautiful Day, adapted particularly to the floods of New Olreans. It was wonderful.
So, New Olreans, and all of Louisiana affected by Katrina, I hope you continue to heal and continue to grow in hope. And I hope that, for you, today was indeed a Beautiful Day.
In my volunteer work, I met all different kinds of people, many walks, but one road 'through the waters' when Katrina hit. These were the people who starved in the Superdome, who left the bodies of their loved ones' by the side of the road. These were the ones who told stories of hanging on to the roofs of their houses, cycling their babies through their laps as the water came ever-upward, because they had to hold on to the roof with one hand, and the child with the other, and thus couldn't hold on to all their children at once. These were the people of the 9th Ward, of St Bernard parish, whose lives were literally obliterated. These were the people who Survived, even in the midst of so much chaos and death. As I said, I met many people, both good and bad. But the overwhelming impression I had from them was Dignity. These people had lost everything, and yet in their pain-etched faces I could see that they were trying to go on, one step at a time.
So, when I heard the beneift concert by U2 and Greenday on the radio today, it brought back all my memories of these people's suffering, and all of my hopes for their continued hoping. U2 and Greenday opened the first Saints game back in the Superdome, and they adapted some of their own songs to the situation, and it was beautiful. (Specifically, if you go here you can buy the mp3 of the performance, proceeds of which to go buy musical equipment for New Olreans schools.) Most beautiful of all was the song, Beautiful Day, adapted particularly to the floods of New Olreans. It was wonderful.
So, New Olreans, and all of Louisiana affected by Katrina, I hope you continue to heal and continue to grow in hope. And I hope that, for you, today was indeed a Beautiful Day.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Seventeen
Tonight, I had to drive me (non-crazy!) roommate to pick up her car at the shop, and on the way back I was alone, just me and the music and the breeze.
I have a little confession to make: I just Love the song "Stacy's Mom." I know, I know, how terribly juvenile. But, as I listened to that song, and drove, and felt the breeze, I realized that this breif moment of blissful freedom is something that is so often missing from my life.
"Stacy's mom has got it goin' on." - Ummm, who doesn't remember being in high school and finding some unavailable adult unspeakably attractive. There's something so freeing in the acknowledgment of this fact, espescially as the wind whips through the opened window and I sing into my water bottle - turned - microphonen.
"She's all I want, and I've waited for So Long." The perpetual plea of adolescence, and yet, in so many ways, that's still the way I feel. Do you know how long I"ve waited for independence, for sex, for doing things My Way, for not feeling so incredibly bound to my family? Do you know how long - a long frickin' time. And yet, as I do crazy-car-dance moves that I would never, EVER do anywhere else, it feels like somehow, some way, I might get what I want - even if I have waited.
"And I know that you think it's just a fantasy - but since your dad walked out, your mom could use a guy like me." Mmmm, yes, the fantasy. I have so many of them, and they all feel so far away, so very far from any truth that could ever be. And also, there's the responsibility I feel, a responsibility that I think a lot of adolescents feel for ways in which parent's have failed them. I point my finger and sing so loud, almost to the point of yelling.
"I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Stacy's mom." I think this is the part I love most. I've spent so much of my life taking on that responsibiltiy that my parents didn't take - I was responsible for my infant brother, responsible for making perfect grades, responsible for my mother's emotions. And yet, damn it!, there are things I want that have nothing to do with these responsibilities that are not really mine and as I sing this line, they seem to melt away, seem to fly off into the music, into the breeze, into the cool, smoggy, California air. They are gone, and I sing with exhiliration, at the top of my lungs, just for a moment realizing that this is probably the way I was Supposed to feel at 17.
And then the moment ends, and I am brought back to reality by the wave of another driver. - Apparently he liked my dance moves. I freeze in embarassment for a moment, but then think, darn it, I want to dance!
And so I do.
I have a little confession to make: I just Love the song "Stacy's Mom." I know, I know, how terribly juvenile. But, as I listened to that song, and drove, and felt the breeze, I realized that this breif moment of blissful freedom is something that is so often missing from my life.
"Stacy's mom has got it goin' on." - Ummm, who doesn't remember being in high school and finding some unavailable adult unspeakably attractive. There's something so freeing in the acknowledgment of this fact, espescially as the wind whips through the opened window and I sing into my water bottle - turned - microphonen.
"She's all I want, and I've waited for So Long." The perpetual plea of adolescence, and yet, in so many ways, that's still the way I feel. Do you know how long I"ve waited for independence, for sex, for doing things My Way, for not feeling so incredibly bound to my family? Do you know how long - a long frickin' time. And yet, as I do crazy-car-dance moves that I would never, EVER do anywhere else, it feels like somehow, some way, I might get what I want - even if I have waited.
"And I know that you think it's just a fantasy - but since your dad walked out, your mom could use a guy like me." Mmmm, yes, the fantasy. I have so many of them, and they all feel so far away, so very far from any truth that could ever be. And also, there's the responsibility I feel, a responsibility that I think a lot of adolescents feel for ways in which parent's have failed them. I point my finger and sing so loud, almost to the point of yelling.
"I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Stacy's mom." I think this is the part I love most. I've spent so much of my life taking on that responsibiltiy that my parents didn't take - I was responsible for my infant brother, responsible for making perfect grades, responsible for my mother's emotions. And yet, damn it!, there are things I want that have nothing to do with these responsibilities that are not really mine and as I sing this line, they seem to melt away, seem to fly off into the music, into the breeze, into the cool, smoggy, California air. They are gone, and I sing with exhiliration, at the top of my lungs, just for a moment realizing that this is probably the way I was Supposed to feel at 17.
And then the moment ends, and I am brought back to reality by the wave of another driver. - Apparently he liked my dance moves. I freeze in embarassment for a moment, but then think, darn it, I want to dance!
And so I do.
Monday, September 04, 2006
A Small Religious Ranting
Today's religious angst is brought to you by Random New Clergyman at church yesterday, whom I'd never seen preach and didn't even know who he was. But he was definitely preachin' it yesterday morning. Good grief! Among other things, the sermon claimed that sending your kids to public school is basically morally wrong, and that homosexuality is inherently "compulsive" and "addictive." AHEM. While I do not think that homosexuality is God's plan for anyone and I do believe that homosexual behavior is morally reprehensible, homosexual relationships are no more "compulsive" or "addictive" than any other sexual relationship. In other words, yes, some homosexual relationships are undoubtedly "complusive and addictive," but so are many heterosexual relationships, while others are not. (What brings further irony to this is that the sermon was about the importance of Truth-with-a-capitol-T. - How about we get our facts straight before preaching, hmmm?)
I guess what pisses me off the most, though, is that the God he protrayed is so similar to the picture of God my mother gave me: hard, angry, arrogant, and completely unconcerned with my feelings. Now hold on. I'm supposed to want to have a relationship with a God like that?!? - Part of me is very angry that people have fed me this image of God for so long, and that I've bought it hook, line, and sinker. And yet, there's this other part of me that whispers, "But what if they'r right? What if God really is like that?" Because somehow to just seems too good to be true, and too far outside my experience to be believed that God actually is loving and actually does care about my feeligns. It seems too risky to hope because, well, "What if He's not?" And, like so many other things, it seems that if I dare to hope, then I must be disapointed.
I guess what pisses me off the most, though, is that the God he protrayed is so similar to the picture of God my mother gave me: hard, angry, arrogant, and completely unconcerned with my feelings. Now hold on. I'm supposed to want to have a relationship with a God like that?!? - Part of me is very angry that people have fed me this image of God for so long, and that I've bought it hook, line, and sinker. And yet, there's this other part of me that whispers, "But what if they'r right? What if God really is like that?" Because somehow to just seems too good to be true, and too far outside my experience to be believed that God actually is loving and actually does care about my feeligns. It seems too risky to hope because, well, "What if He's not?" And, like so many other things, it seems that if I dare to hope, then I must be disapointed.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Yes, I'm still alive! (And other exciting news)
Hello, dear readers (all three of you), yes, I am back. For real. I hope to go back to blogging w/ some regularity, and maybe even blog more frequently (wouldn't that be amazing). Meanwhile, lemme give you the quick overview: last spring, the crazy roommates messed w/ the internet stuff, and I was too lazy (i.e. to scared of conflict) to put up a fight, so I didn't have internet at school. Then, I went on an extensive roadtrip w/ Best Roommate Ever (BRE, her new name, since I have so many roommates at this point) and we were in a wedding, etc. I ended up in Louisiana, where I lived w/ BRE for the summer and her fiancee' -sp?- came and visited us. Intermittently I traveled to various places, including back home to Texas, up to Boston, all culminating in the Family Vacation from Hell up to Maine (which, btw, is a beautiful place - it's not the state's fault that my family is Awful.)
Ok, so, umm, since it's been like four months since I've posted (woohoo), I obviously can't fill you in on every teeny, disgusting detail between then and now. So, here's a list of 11 New/Sort of New things about me:
1. I now live in a new house with fabuloso, non-crazy roommates. Yay!!
2. I now have my own bathroom. (The luxury of this is indescribable.)
3. Oh yes, I'm back here in SoCal for my second (of five!) years of psych grad school.
3. I got in a car wreck this summer and had to have my radiator and other Important Components of my car replaced. (Oh God.)
4. I got back together and then broke up with the Boy (Oh God, oh God, oh God.)
5. I put together, refinished, and painted my new nightstand/file cabinet - can I tell you how proud of myself I am?!?!
6. Honey, the miracle-dog, is still alive and smilin', despite kidney cancer, benign (but humongous) tumors in her leg, colitis, and gosh only knows what eles.
7. I want a doggy so bad I can Taste it (and I'm trying desperately to NOT LOOK AT THIS SITE.)
8. I now attend yoga class (don't tell my mother, she'll send me straight to the Deliverance Ministers to have those Eastern religion demons cast out). I'm now learning to "Lift from the chest!" and "Extend your spine!"
9. I worked as a volunteer caseworker for disaster victims in Louisiana this summer and have now become a self-appointed Katrina Awareness Promoter. (Can I tell you how much it pisses me off that the media spends so little time on Katrina? Or the way people dismiss Katrina victims as stupid and 'deserving' of their plight because they're still not on their feet a year after the storm. - Ummnm, excuse me, have you seen New Orleans??? Have you actually talked to these people??? Because, lemme tell you, it's awful, and it's Not just because people are stupid or bad.)
(Whew, ok, tirade over.)
10. I have actually seen a dog Surfing! Yes, surfing! This was the highlight of my week. I was going for a walk on the beach, I glanced up, and there was a dog, riding a surf board, just as non-challant as you please! It was fabulous, and the funniest thing Ever. The best part is how the dog just stood there, as calm as anything, while all the people trying to surf were struggling and making faces and genearlly looking like they were about to die.
11. I now have a name plate, a mailbox, and a voice mail at the X(name of univiersity) Counseling Center. - People, I am officially a therapist. (Are you scared, or what??)
It's good to be back!
Ok, so, umm, since it's been like four months since I've posted (woohoo), I obviously can't fill you in on every teeny, disgusting detail between then and now. So, here's a list of 11 New/Sort of New things about me:
1. I now live in a new house with fabuloso, non-crazy roommates. Yay!!
2. I now have my own bathroom. (The luxury of this is indescribable.)
3. Oh yes, I'm back here in SoCal for my second (of five!) years of psych grad school.
3. I got in a car wreck this summer and had to have my radiator and other Important Components of my car replaced. (Oh God.)
4. I got back together and then broke up with the Boy (Oh God, oh God, oh God.)
5. I put together, refinished, and painted my new nightstand/file cabinet - can I tell you how proud of myself I am?!?!
6. Honey, the miracle-dog, is still alive and smilin', despite kidney cancer, benign (but humongous) tumors in her leg, colitis, and gosh only knows what eles.
7. I want a doggy so bad I can Taste it (and I'm trying desperately to NOT LOOK AT THIS SITE.)
8. I now attend yoga class (don't tell my mother, she'll send me straight to the Deliverance Ministers to have those Eastern religion demons cast out). I'm now learning to "Lift from the chest!" and "Extend your spine!"
9. I worked as a volunteer caseworker for disaster victims in Louisiana this summer and have now become a self-appointed Katrina Awareness Promoter. (Can I tell you how much it pisses me off that the media spends so little time on Katrina? Or the way people dismiss Katrina victims as stupid and 'deserving' of their plight because they're still not on their feet a year after the storm. - Ummnm, excuse me, have you seen New Orleans??? Have you actually talked to these people??? Because, lemme tell you, it's awful, and it's Not just because people are stupid or bad.)
(Whew, ok, tirade over.)
10. I have actually seen a dog Surfing! Yes, surfing! This was the highlight of my week. I was going for a walk on the beach, I glanced up, and there was a dog, riding a surf board, just as non-challant as you please! It was fabulous, and the funniest thing Ever. The best part is how the dog just stood there, as calm as anything, while all the people trying to surf were struggling and making faces and genearlly looking like they were about to die.
11. I now have a name plate, a mailbox, and a voice mail at the X(name of univiersity) Counseling Center. - People, I am officially a therapist. (Are you scared, or what??)
It's good to be back!
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