We Who Are About to Die, Salute You

Well folks, tomorrow is M-Day, the day when Mama comes. And, oh lord, I should be flipping out, and part of me is very anxious indeed. However, there's another part of me, a small part, but a strong part that doesn't care, because, miracle of miracles, that part of me is Happy.
Yes, happy, I know you just about fell off your chair. I did too, and all day, I have hardly known what to do with myself. But, my understanding of myself and my mistakes with Boy, and all of my relationships, has given me this amazing sense of relief, and freedom, and Hope. And, good grascious, it's been a long time since we've seen much hope around here.
Today was a crazy day of even more 'clicking' in therapy. I explained all about The Revelation (see below) to Dr. Stacey, which was a crazy whirlwind, and then we took it even further. Why can I not light a scented candle, get my PhD, or date Boy? Well, dear readers, it is simply because I want to do those things. And somehow, deep inside of me, every time I want or need something, a voice inside of me, the voice of my mother, the voice of the 'Moral Monitor,' tells me that I Cannot have it, that because I want it, it must be Bad, and moreover, because I want it, I am Greedy, Selfish, Stupid, a Bad Christian, a Whore, etc., generally a piece of shit. Thus, everything I want, from a graduate education to cute panties, is inherently bad. If I let myself have it, I don't enjoy it, because the Mean Voices spoil it, telling me I"m a whore, etc. If I don't let myself have it, then I am deprived, my needs go unmet, and I run around, ever insatiable. This even fits in with my bingeing, because there I am desperately trying to fill myself, desperately trying to give myself what I need, only food isn't it. So, I go around, "Always hungry, but always full."
Now, kids, I realize that this may seem rather basic and obvious. Or it may seem like my excuse to go buy a Mercedes (because after all, I want it.) That is Not what this means. It simply means that I understand better why I ALWAYS FEEL GUILTY ABOUT EVERYTHING. (And I mean everything, people.)
And maybe, since I understand, maybe I can start on the road to change. Maybe I can someday get what I want, and let it fill my needs, as well. Maybe there is a little hope, a little reason to feel happy.
My heart tells me so, as I feel a little corner of it, a tiny part, opening up slowly to the sunlight, like a butterfly spreading it's wings for the first time.
Please oh please, Fly free!