Temptation and Redemption

Cinnamon rolls sit on the counter. A Family-Pak, half eaten, for the rest of us to share. They call to me, mock me, even as I sit here, two rooms and a hall-way away. It's even worse in the kitchen. Every time I walk past, they tug on my sleeve.
. . . Must Resist . . .

So far, I'm holding. (And now my blog is stuck in italics, but hopefully maybe it won't show up that way on the post.)
Anyway, the week from Hell is officially over. This morning, I slept till noon. (Yes, I know, I get Friday's off. Before you get too jealous, you must know I spend most of them testing and/or slaving away on Measurement & Assessment.) I'm feeling well rested now, altho not quite ready to face the mountain of homework I have to do, a stats test on Tuesday being most frightening.
Now, some thoughts on my spiritual life, courtesy of St. Ignatius of Loyola and Dr. Steve Porter. It's been some crazy times around here lately, as far as my spiritual life is concerned. I have realized, among other things, that I don't know where I end, and my mother begins, and more importantly, where my mother ends, and God begins. As in, when I think of God, I really think of my mother, projected onto Him. Which, I must tell you, is not a pretty picture. So, basically, I don't know God very well, I don't reallly have much of a relationship with Him, I more have a 'relationship' with a deified version of my mother. Yipes! (Go therapy!)
All this to say my feelings towards God have not been the most warm and fuzzy of late. But, you know what?, for the first time I feel like I'm really being Real. And that feels really good.
Anyway, in theology class on Monday, I had two minor revelations: First, Dr. Porter was giving us the down-and-dirty paraphrase of St. Ignatius' view on the spiritual life, the long and the short of it being (at least for me) that just because you're not feeling all joyful and happy about going to church, or reading your Bible, or whatever, does not mean that God's not working in your life. On the contrary, you may be in a period of Desolation, in which God is working like nobody's business, but He's working in and through your desolation. And that's ok. And you don't have to beat yourself up for not feeling lots of consolation-feelings. (And I know this is probably a butchering of St. Ignatius. Please understand that I'm simply saying what was helpful for me at this time, and not trying to give a full study of his spirituality.)
Secondly, we were talking in class about the meditations we had just done on a psalm, and Dr. POrter was asking us about our attitudes towards the Bible right now, etc. He was going on and on and then he looked at me and said, "Now, if you're really struggling right now, and when you read the Bible, all you see is the pain and hurt inflicted by others in the name of God, maybe this just isn't your time. [FairMaid], maybe you shouldn't be reading the Bible just right now, becuase it sounds to me from what you've said that you're upbringing makes it really hard to See God in the Scriptures just right now. And that is, after all, the point."
So there you go kids. We're taking a little breather. Because, after writing my meditation notes and seeing the word HATE carved into the paper and underlined many times, I'm thinking he's probably right. If all I can see is my mother when I read God's Word, what's the point??? It only makes me madder, only makes me Hate God and my mother more.
So, for the moment, we're taking a deep breathe, going to church often (I don't feel so much hate there), and working in therapy like nobody's business.
Isn't Thanksgiving going to be fun!?!? ;-)