Lord Have Mercy

***Warning: Bad Language Ahead***
Taking a shower the morning after a binge is the worst.
Well, actually, that's not true. Getting up out of bed the morning after a binge is the worst. Taking a shower is even worst-er.
I don't know why, but that consistantly seems to be my time to unload on myself. I would attribute it to having to look in the mirrors in the bathroom, and seeing the damage I wreak on myself, but that's not true. I hardly ever look into mirrors if I can help it. What's there is just too painful.
So, I don't know why, but there in the bathroom, as I wash my face and the room fills up with steam, I light into myself:
"Why the fuck are you so fucking disgusting?? Why do you do this to yourself?? Why don't you just Stop Eating, you fucking idiot? Why can't you just do what you're fucking supposed to do and not eat so much fucking food so you won't feel like fucking shit all the time, and you won't Hate yourself for being the disgusting person you are???"
"And why are you such a Selfish Bitch to be carrying on like this?????"
Thankfully, I don't say this outloud, it's just all in my head. But it still hurts, it still grinds me into the ground until I literally sometimes have trouble moving because it's like I have a huge boulder on my back, pinning me, helpless, to the ground.
See, that's the thing. I feel so Helpless in my hate, so unable to do Anything to make things change. Oh God, why don't You just fucking change me!?!? Why??? Can't you see that I Can't Do This By Myself?????
Sometimes, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Which is so not true, because I don't want to die. And, let me tell you, that's a new and improved state! There have been many times where I've said, "I want to go to sleep and never wake up," and I Meant It. Ohhh, how I wanted this all to be over. Thank God, that's not me anymore. I want to Live. But I want to live differently, I want to live in a world where I don't eat until I feel sick and then keep on eating, where I don't internally shudder at my appearance becuase it's so disgusting to me, where I one of my classmates doesn't have to call me three times a week, on our 'early class' days to make sure I get out of bed in the morning.
Oh please, God.
And, oh!, what is Wrong with me, I feel like such a selfish bitch, hating myself and carrying on this way, because, after all, nothing really horrible has ever happened to me. My parent's didn't beat me. Yes, I was molested as a child, but so was fucking everyone, and it wasn't by anyone in my family. Not like one of my classmates, who was molested by his Own Mother. Can you imagine??? My parent's aren't divorced. Yes, their marriage sucks, but at least their still together. There was never a long train of boyfriends/girlfriends/step-parents coming through our house. My parents have never used drugs. No one ever shot at me or bodily threatened me.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Oh God, I need Help. I so much wish You would just wave Your magic wand, and everything would be better. But I know you don't work that way. So, this is what I ask: Help is needed, here, Right Here, 123 Fairmaid Rd., Insignificant L.A. Suburb, Ca. I don't know what that help is gonna look like, probably not anything like I would wish it to, but I Need It. NOW.
Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison, Kyrie Eleison.