Somedays

Somedays its hard to like myself.
Wow, that's an incredibly self-centered statement. It's just all about me, isn't it? And when I ruminate about how awful I am, in a way it's really a form of narcissism: staring at myself, all day long, wasting away.
But, unlike Narcissus, I really don't like what I see.
I went to the mall today, looking for some black pants. You see, when you're constantly gaining and losing (but mostly gaining) weight, you never have clothes that fit you. So you have to go buy new ones. And thus, I needed new ones, black pants to be specific. But when you can't fit into anything that most of the stores carry, because you're too dang fat, shopping tends to be a less-than-enjoyable experience. When you're so self-consious about how ugly your body is that you just want to be invisible, just hope no one looks at you, it's not really fun to be out where there are people.
Maybe that's why I spend so much time alone. ;-)
Part of me feels guilty for writing this, part of me ashamed. "Just get over it!" after all. "Lose some weight!" then you won't look and feel like crap. - I can certailnly imagine thoughts like these floating through the heads of those who read this. AFter all, there's nothing more annoying that listening to people go on and on about things they dislike about themselves but refuse to change.
And there's nothing sadder than listening to a person who hates a part of themselves. I know, because I've listened to my own mother countless times tell me how fat and ugly she is, and how right it is that others should think badly of her for it.
Funny how we sound a wee bit similar. ;-)
I don't know what to do with myself, don't know what to do with my life, so I just keep plodding on, hoping for a change, however small, towards something better.