Something New

Yesterday, I did three new things! And (I think) they were all good, altho not equally so. Here they are:

1. I went to a jazz club! It was so much fun! The singer was so fabulous, she was so into music, interacting with the songs, dancing, twirling like a little girl, she was great! Her dreadlocks were great, too. ;-) The place was really fun, until we realized that there was a two order minimum per person. Poop on them! Anyway, still lots of fun, lots of giggling, lots of good times, but I missed you . . .

2.I mopped the kitchem floor witha 'real mop' and a real bucket of water w/ Pine-sol, just like the lady on TV! No more Swiffer for me (that's the only way I've ever mopped the floor)! And actually, it wasn't that bad. I scrubbed, and mopped, and lo and behold, the floor was shiny clean! I was awfully proud of that floor, the ladies at LAF would be so proud. ;-) (Scary, Scary women, btw.)

3.Finally, yesterday, I inaugurated my career as Baby Therapist. Yes, yes, I know, pretty scary that I, The Messed Up One, am trying to help someone else. But, nonetheless, such is the nature of therapy. If we had to be completely healthy to be therapists, there woudln't be any therapists at all. In any case, I was So Scared, and about choked while I was trying to explain the paperwork because my breath was coming so fast, it felt like no words could come out. But then, when things got underway, I started to calm down, and for a moment, I had this feeling of exhiliration: this is it, people, this is what I've been working so long to be able to do, this is what I've dreamed of for so many years. And now? Here I am, I have Arrived.

On Why I love Uncle Joey

So, let me begin by telling you that I'm slightly (a lot) obssessed with the movie Cinderella Man. I love the story, I love the kids, I love Renee Zellweger, and, naturally, I love Russell Crowe, seeing how he is an Extremely Attractive Man. (Actually, I don't like the boxing part of this boxing movie, it's a little graphic, but never mind. ;-)) I espescially love the message it gives about family, about sticking together, about the very positive and important role of women in marriage, even if the woman is not the "Big-shot" in the marriage. I love what it has to say about love. Jim and Mae have a beautiful relationship.
But you know what I love most of all?
I dunno, maybe it's just because I have a soft-spot for guys with poke-able tummies, but the thing I love best about Cinderella Man is Joe Gould. Sexy as Russell Crowe may be, Uncle Joey steals the show for me. Honestly, I have trouble exactly putting my finger on what it is I like so much about him. Maybe it's his self-deprecating sense of humor. Maybe it's the way he sufffers all alone, and is so meek about it once it all comes to light. Maybe it's the special look and wink he has for his wife, as he steals a moment from the tummult to look at her. Maybe it's his love and compassion for his friend and fighter, Jim. Maybe it's the way he stands by his friend, no matter what, no matter what defeats come, no matter what anyone says, and would gladly fight for him any day. I think perhaps that's what I like best. Maybe it's just my mother issues, and feeling unnurtured and uncared for, but the fact that Joe Gould, who is like 5"4' and tubby, would stand up to some huge boxing champ all for the sake of love is intensely admirable to me. Perhaps it's simply that I want to be protected, taken care of, and I rarely look for those qualities in anyone, espescially not men, because my father wasn't a particularly nurturing protector.
Or maybe it's just his "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" speech that I like best. ;-)
Watch the movie, see for yourself!

So, here it is, I'm rather pleased. 

The Haircut

So . . . I got my haircut. Which, is, like, so not that big of a deal. But it was a little-bit big deal for me because it's a bit shorter than I originally planned. But oh-so-cute! I really like it! But . . . short!
Lemme explain. When I was about 4, my mom took me to a new hair-cutter-lady who promised to make my hair look So Cute. Well, don't ask me where my mom was in the middle of all this to stop the Butchering, but suffice it to say, I came out with The Haircut of Horror. Ya'll, my ears kinda stick out, and the haircut was basically a bowl-cut, with the hair cutting off just above my ears . . . . I looked like a Boy with ears the size of elephants'. It was AWFUL. I felt soooo ugly. At the age of four. Anyway, in response to this trauma, I have had my hair long ever since, except briefly in college when I cut it all off for Locks of Love.
Anyway, so I went to Paul Mitchell The School yesterday, where they give haircuts cheap b/c the people are just students, so for $15 I got a massage, a haircut, styling, and a little more personal contact with my stylist than I would have liked. Admittedly, the massage part was a bit of a surprise. When he started running his hands through my nasty, dirty hair I almost freaked. But that pales in comparison to the part where he Massaged My Face, folding a hot washclothe over my face, with a little hole for my nose, and then rubbing my jaw. I think I would have liked it better if I had known this was going to happen . . .
Overall, a two thumbs up experience! (Except I wish he would learn to cut people's hair without pressing his groin against their arms. But he's only a student, so maybe they haven't covered that part of the syllabus yet.) Now the question is, should I post the pictures of my haircut . . . ?

Homicidal Ideations

I'm gonna kill 'em . . . I Swear, I'm gonna Kill my roommates. (Ok, not really. But still.)
It all began at our 'Sunday Meeting' when New Roommate informed us with her tone of voice that we were all five years old and mentally retarded and moreover not Christian enough for her. She explained to us that because we're women, God created us to be more 'orderly' than 'guys,' as it says in Proverbs 31, and so we need to become more 'godly women' and clean up after ourselves better. Personally, I'd love to read her Bible and find this verse about how you're a manly, butch sinner if you don't clean your dishes immediately after use .... But I digress. The point is that now we have Two Control Freaks in the house, with me and Sane Roommate trying our best to not be mercilessly tossed about by their stormy winds of frustrated manipulation. (I'm not bitter At All.)
But it gets better.
Just now I got to listen through a pornographic panegyric by Scary Roommate on the newest member of her Lifegroup (Bible Study thingy) who happens to be male. Now, here's why I'm against any kind of 'singles' groups at church: she spent what seemed like ForEver describing to me the way it felt when he touched her (on the shoulder), the way she could see his thigh muscles through his jeans (yes, his Thigh Muscles, people. Soooo Sexy, lemme tell ya), and how when they were holding hands to 'pray,' she simply stood there and repeated to herself over and over again, "Think about how this feels...Feel it!"
Ahem. She met this guy today and she's already talking like their having sex. Fabulous.
Too bad I dont' know anyone in the Mafia ...

Quickie

So, woohoo, my internet is working once again! (ComCast, you are evil.) Which is still a shoddy excuse for posting so infrequently, and no excuse for the fact that this post will simply be a quick smattering of thoughts, feelings, and observations.
First of all, I'm trying to ward off the Valentine's Day angst. In fact, I'm even relunctant to talk about it, because I've been doing such a good job of forgetting about it, and I don't want to jinx myself. So, I'll try to make this as innocuous as possible. When I was a little girl, my Mama was Great about Valentine's Day. We baked, we decorated, we got each other little presents, it was a Very Serious Holiday all about love! Of course, there was no such thing as romantic or sexual love in my house as a child, but this worked out rather well because then Valentine's could be about a more general love for friends and family. And it was so much fun! When the Christmas decoration went down on January 6 (Epiphany), the Valentine's Day decorations went up as a kind of consolation. Roommate and I used to decorate for Valentine's as well, but this year, due to unfortunate amounts of Housemate Drama, I decided Not decorating would be better. However, a word to the wise: don't loose all your Valentine's cards and thus have to go out and re-purchase them the night before, because, lemme tell you, all that's left are the ones that Suck.
Oooooh, Roommate Drama. I won't go into this too fully, except to say New Roommmate and Scary Roommate got into a fight about The Path Through The Crap in the Garage. Oh y'all . . .
I have just completed my second week Binge Free. I'm proud, and yet so scared, and feeling very ominously that there's No Way I can ever keep this up, that I can ever be really healthy and well, etc. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice, and if I step the wrong way, down I'll go.
Finally, a little upset, and little change in my summer plans. Nothing big, mind you, but for whatever reason it has hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm feeling a bit bummed, and feeling even more bummed because of why I am bummed: a lot of my emotion is simply about the root issue that when people get engaged, get married, etc., nothing is the same again. And nor should it be. The friendships must change because the couple must come together. But, to get hyper-dramatic and quote Galadriel "I must diminish and go into the West." Literally. I must accept the West as my home, at least for now, and I must slowly retreat, ever so slightly, from things I hold so dear.
And yes, I am speaking cryptically for a reason.
And yes, I think I am done.
And yes, I know this is all a bit crazy.

The Year in Review

Today was Preview Day at school, meaning that prospective students come and look at the school, go to classes, have interviews, etc. All the prospective students filed into class today, some in suits, others in jeans, and I was brought back to this time a year ago, which seems at once such a short and yet such a long time ago.
This time last year I was in a serious relationship, getting ready for a happy, laid-back, love-filled Valentines' Day. I had finished the mad rush of grad school applications (y'all, it Sucks) and was now waiting to hear back from schools. I was topsy-turvy in that respect, a bit unsure where to go, and these schools in SoCal were my first schools for interviewing, so I didn't know what to expect. I was lonely and scared, binging like crazy on my trip because I felt so incredibly alone in this bright, crazy Los Angeles world. I couldn't wait to get back to the warm comfort of Roommate and our sweet, cozy little appartment, all decorated for Valentine's Day.
A year brings a lot of change.
I now live here in SoCal, however relunctantly. (Which, btw, the city is currently coverd in Ash from fires in the desert. It's like a volcano is erupting. Huge black clouds roll across the sky and the sun is red.) I rent my own little room, tiny as a closet, and it's Definitely not decorated for Valentine's day. (In fact, it's just burried in crap.) I am now groaning under the felt-prison of four and a half more years of school. I never thought they could feel so oppressive. I am now planning a Valentine's Day get-together (are we sensing a Valentine's theme, here?) for all the single people in my class so we won't feel quite so sad next Tuesday. I keep my quiet dreams of romance (mostly) to myself. Roommate lives in another state now, in another part of the country. We talk every week, but it's just not the same. How could it be? Now two of my closest friends are engaged, bringing with it very different concerns than mine. They are now literally planning the stuff of life, their weddings, their careers, their kids. I mean, I know you can't exactly plan that stuff, but to even Think of planning it boggles my mind. My plan is, can I make it till May? And then the next May, and then the next?
I am more fragile now, more exposed, more open and bleeding. I can't keep it in anymore, all the things I think and feel, can't keep lying to myself. I am more honest now, and I suppose there is a strength in honesty. I am alone, very, very alone, alone in a way I have never been before.
I am here now, a little root, small, but firm and strong. I am quiet, waiting, waiting for God only knows what. Waiting for the sunlight, waiting for the rain, waiting for my cue to blosom. But know that I am growing, quiet and small as I am.

What Food Does for Me that I Cannot Do for Myself

So, in case you didn't notice the weird-sounding title, this isn't a subject I came up with. Nope, Fancy-Schmancy Nutritionist (with her other office in Beverly Hills) asked me to blog about this subject, so here we go:

*Disclaimer: I realize that at some point I will not need food to do these things for me. I am merely stating what I get food to do for me right now.*

1. Distraction! There's this Alanis Morisette song that talks about being 'petrified of silence,' and then the cd goes blank. For a few seconds, you have to face your fear of silence. Well, food's great because there's never a silent, empty moment! You can fill it up while you fill your stomach. Are you sad, scared, angry, or alone? Food is always there for you. Which leads to my next point:
2.Pushing Down the Pain: If an undesirable emotion should dare to raise it's ugly head, you can eat sometimg, and then immediately have something nice and comforting before you. It doesn't matter if you don't have any friends, because food, espescially sweets, are good for what ails you.
3. Rewards! Done anything good or difficult? Clearly, you deserve something sweet! This was instilled in me from a young age: according to Daddy, if you exercised, then you 'deserved' to have a cookie. Well, sometimes you do things that are a lot harder than exercising, and so, clearly, you need more than One cookie. Are you staying up late? Studying for exams? Are you having a really rough week? Here, have some ice cream, you deserve it.
4. Self-esteem boost: If I don't eat, then I am being a 'good little girl.' Ooooh, aren't I just so virtuous??? All I had for breakfast was a cup of coffee? Fabulous! Better that I had had nothing at all, of course, but still, doing pretty good. A Lean Cuisine for lunch? Excellent! I'm doing great. The problem, of course, is that I can't not-eat forever. Eventually I will have dinner, and then binge, and then feel like shit. But, for those daylight hours, I really am a good person because I am not eating food.
Allright, that's all for now, folks. This is a bit painful. But rest assured there's more to come.

Quality Time

Can I tell you a little secret?
Sometimes I Really don't like my roommates (read: Scary Roommate). Like, ooooooh, I just shiver with anger and my vision gets all blurry because, ooooooh, I just can't Stand her!
Tonight was one of those evenings.
Now, the question is, why do I hate her so much? Why???? She is nothing but nice to me. I mean, yes, she is a bit manipulative, but that's nothing new. Mostly, I'm just struck by her neediness, her desperation for relationships, her dire need for A Man. And, normally, or at least under some circumstances, I think I would have compassion for such desperation. In fact, as I write this, I do feel rather sorry for her. But, oh!, in the moment, forget it! I wonder what it is about her, and what it is about me, that makes her so infuriating to me. Perhaps because in her I see a part of myself I don't like? I don't know.
Anyway, this evening she had me firmly trapped. She caught me off guard the other day and made me promise to hang out with her tonight, and at the time I could not think of an excuse. (Aren't I horrible?) So, we hung out accordingly, making dinner and eventually watching a movie, but not without her first wringing information from me about the Fancy-Schmancy Nutritionist (more on that later) than I ever wanted to tell anybody.
And then we saw the movie. Oh y'all, what a movie! The Notebook is about chick-flickiest chick-flick I've ever seen. Ohmyheavens, everything a girl could want. And so about me, as well. Somethings about it so apply to my life, and make me ask myself a lot of questions. Which I would post, only too many people read this blog. ;-) So, instead, I'll just contemplate them on my own, and hope I can come with an excuse faster next time she asks.