Book Binge

Today I went on a book binge. While less than ideal, I'm rather proud of it because it did not involve calories. My two hour tour of Barnes & Noble ended in the following purchases: Traveling Mercies, by Anne LaMott, Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, and Words of Comfort for Everyday, by Rev. Josheph T. Sullivan, in brown fake leather.
The latter is a daily devotional guide whose theme is "I love you, Lord," and has the Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur, as verified by Francis J. McAree, S.T.D. and Patrick J. Sheridan, D.D. Those funny little words give me comfort, first because I know the Catholic Church has checked it out and verified it as not being New Age Crap, or similar. Which is funny, because I think I could identify New Age Crap pretty well, but it comforts me all the same. Second, I'm not real open to Anything from a Protestant author right now, as all I can see is my mother preaching at me through their words, so I'm hoping I'll be able to hear a nice Catholic book somewhat better. On the other hand, I'm not feeling real "I love you, Lord" at the moment, so it will be interesting to see how things go.
The first two have been recommended to many times by many different people, and seem to be appropriate books for those currently, ahem, disgruntled with the classic evangelical/fundamentalist church. I've read excerpts from both, and am loving them because of their willingness to cuss and be real about the crap of life. I've only read two chapters, but already Donald Miller has hit the nail on the head about much of my spiritual life:
That's when I realized that religion might be able to hose things down, get me back to normal so I could have fun without feeling guilty or something. I just didn't want to have to think about this guilt crap anymore. ~Blue Like Jazz, pg. 8
God as the cosmic guilt remover: if you're just good enough/spiritual enough/Bible-saturated enough, you won't feel like crap anymore. And so the quest begins. The thing is, tho, I want that quest to end. I'd like to actually know God for who He is, instead of what He can do for me. Evangelicals are great at emphasizing what God can do for you, all the fringe benefits of being associated with Him. Well, I don't want fringe benefits anymore. I want the Truth.
You know, I used to think the search for truth was all up in your head. You searched for truth when you read Plato and Augustine and Dostoevsky, and magically crystalized it when you wrote papers. I'm beginning to realize, however, that that is only half the deal. The other half is in the nitty gritty, down and dirty, shit that makes up the journey of life. Yes, I can and should search for the Truth in St. Thomas Aquinas and Kierkegaard. But I also need to search for Truth in my everyday life, the Truth of who I really am and who I have become and who I have allowed myself to be molded into. I need to look at the hard facts of how life really is, and somehow, some way accept that I have Failed, and my parents have FAiled, and the church has Failed, and yet I can still go on and lead something of an ok life. I don't know if my search will 'work' or how it will end, but I know that in looking the crap in the face, I am beginning the first step.