Stark and Still

Well, here I am, back from my short hiatus in which Roommate came to visit and we drove up and down the Southern California coast twice. (Point Lomas is beuatiful, but be careful when driving around San Diego: once you accidentally get off the freeway, you're screwed, as there are no entrance ramps but lots of strip clubs with creative names like "Les Girls.") We also went wedding dress shopping (don't tell her mother) and I have been named Official Maid of Honor! Yay!!
We had a very good visit, but I'm already feeling a little down, a little lonely, a little everything. In the spirit of Mel's recent moodswing, I think I shall write a Random Post, featuring Random Reflections on school, the holidays, and life.
~ Parents, parents, parents. - What's a girl to do? I love them very much, truly, I do. So how is this love compatible with the anger and frustration I feel being around them? I suppose the better question would be, how is it not, since one is supposed to be able to handle people being good and bad at the same time.
I have a lot of trouble with this.
And I must assign blame for everything in their marriage. This is not boding well.
~ God, what is up with my father not having a job? What is this???? He hasnt' had a real job in almost six years. Six Years! That's a long time!!! And so the family finances spiral downwards, and he grows more and more depressed. And his alcohol consumption increases. Why, why, why??? I know it's not my place to know why, but, God, you're making it really hard to believe in your Provident goodness at the moment!!
~ Shall we talk about how fat I am? I don't think so. We all know how bad it is, anyway.
~ The worst kind of being alone is being alone with someone else. You talk with them, laugh with them, debate with them, tell funny stories, feel the brush of their sleeve on your arm, and Still, you are utterly alone. When you feel lonely by yourself, you can fool yourself into thinking that you are not a lonely person at all, and if someone else was there, then you would feel perfectly happy. But when you are with another and still feel as tho you are the only person, standing stark and still on a deserted planet, then you know what lonliness is.
~I am in between two worlds right now, in so many capacities. I do not belong anywhere. I am still thinking of being at home, still missing them, still missing my sweet puppy and all my familiar places, but here I am, sitting in the library in California because the internet at my house doesn't work. My heart is at my undergrad, all it's important questions and concerns, the horrors of departmental politics and ugly architecture. But here I am, again, in this brand spankin' new library, with smoggy California sunshine outside. Many of my friends are getting married, starting some new happiness, crossing over into a different world. But now I sit here, quiet and alone, with all the drudge of four and a half more years of schooling before me. It seems as tho I will Never graduate, Never be part of the 'real world,' but, really, why should it matter? It is not as tho I will magically no longer be alone when I have Dr. in frong of my name.
Believe me, ambition is no substitute for relationship.