Voices

Mmmm, a wee bit stressed right now! My head is full of voices (no, not those kind of voices!), voices and sounds that tell me what to do, and what not to do, and who I am in the first place. Here's a small sampling:
~"Fifty five pounds! Fifty five pounds!" This is the voice, coming from gosh-knows where, taunting me with the fact that I am now 55 pounds over weight. (Well, 54, if you must know, but then, you weren't asking, were you?) The weight hisess at me from my encumbered arms, cackles at me from my rolly middle, and openly gufaws from my enormous back-side. "Fifty five pounds!" it taunts. Next Monday, I'm going to see a fancy-schmancy nutritionist (whose other office is in Beverly Hills, which makes me laugh), because I'm at my wits end about the whole thing. Which is why I'm going to let her charge me (my parents) an obscenely large amount of moeny. Dear God, I need help.
~"Cha-ching!" That's what Sally Mae is saying. (I'm not really sure if Sally Mae actually makes a whole lot of money off of student loans, but at this rate, it sure feels that way!) Kids, at the end of all this crap, I'll be more than $100,000 in debt. That thought makes me almost want to fall over. How will I ever repay it?? Espescially if I keep buying this much coffee at Starbucks??? (Ok, I'm so proud, tho, in the last weeka and a half, I've only been to Starbucks once, and out for coffee like three times total. Considering I used to go once a day, I"m Way Proud.) So, basically, I'm screwed.
~"Ten New Voicemails!" My cell is positiviely over-run with calls. This might not happen if I would actually answer the phone. But, here's the thing. Here's the thing I just hate about myself right now, that I just can't stand: I long So Much for connection with others, a nd yet I'm too afraid to answer the damn phone. So, the anxiety builds and builds and so do the voice messages, and peoeple get madder and madder and more and more frustrated b/c I havne't returned their calls, and, still!, I stare at the phone! I hate it!!! But I think I hate myself more for not answering it. Eleven new voicemails!
~"Tick-tock, Tick-tock." I know, I know, I know. I'm much, Much, MUCH too young to be even Thinking Tick-tock. Here's the thing: when you come from a conservative Christian circle that values marriage and motherhood above all else; when your closest friends are getting married sometime soon; when all you really want is a family; when you've never flipping ever had sex: TICK-TOCK. I'm so happy for my friends, and this is nothing against them, but sometimes its hard to think about weddings and bridesmaids and showers because, well, I want that right now, and it ain't happnin'. Or at least part of wants it. And, ummm, yeah, Tick-Tock.
~And finally, that small, cold, creeping voice inside me that whispers, so subtly, and yet so loudly I feel like everyone must know: "Anna, you are utterly and radically alone. Alone, alone, alone. And it will always be this way."

Ummm, maybe it's time I go see my therapist, whadya think? ;-)