The Year in Review

Today was Preview Day at school, meaning that prospective students come and look at the school, go to classes, have interviews, etc. All the prospective students filed into class today, some in suits, others in jeans, and I was brought back to this time a year ago, which seems at once such a short and yet such a long time ago.
This time last year I was in a serious relationship, getting ready for a happy, laid-back, love-filled Valentines' Day. I had finished the mad rush of grad school applications (y'all, it Sucks) and was now waiting to hear back from schools. I was topsy-turvy in that respect, a bit unsure where to go, and these schools in SoCal were my first schools for interviewing, so I didn't know what to expect. I was lonely and scared, binging like crazy on my trip because I felt so incredibly alone in this bright, crazy Los Angeles world. I couldn't wait to get back to the warm comfort of Roommate and our sweet, cozy little appartment, all decorated for Valentine's Day.
A year brings a lot of change.
I now live here in SoCal, however relunctantly. (Which, btw, the city is currently coverd in Ash from fires in the desert. It's like a volcano is erupting. Huge black clouds roll across the sky and the sun is red.) I rent my own little room, tiny as a closet, and it's Definitely not decorated for Valentine's day. (In fact, it's just burried in crap.) I am now groaning under the felt-prison of four and a half more years of school. I never thought they could feel so oppressive. I am now planning a Valentine's Day get-together (are we sensing a Valentine's theme, here?) for all the single people in my class so we won't feel quite so sad next Tuesday. I keep my quiet dreams of romance (mostly) to myself. Roommate lives in another state now, in another part of the country. We talk every week, but it's just not the same. How could it be? Now two of my closest friends are engaged, bringing with it very different concerns than mine. They are now literally planning the stuff of life, their weddings, their careers, their kids. I mean, I know you can't exactly plan that stuff, but to even Think of planning it boggles my mind. My plan is, can I make it till May? And then the next May, and then the next?
I am more fragile now, more exposed, more open and bleeding. I can't keep it in anymore, all the things I think and feel, can't keep lying to myself. I am more honest now, and I suppose there is a strength in honesty. I am alone, very, very alone, alone in a way I have never been before.
I am here now, a little root, small, but firm and strong. I am quiet, waiting, waiting for God only knows what. Waiting for the sunlight, waiting for the rain, waiting for my cue to blosom. But know that I am growing, quiet and small as I am.